Welcome to The Spark Show! In this episode, I’ll be talking about how to say NO and feel good about it. Some of you may have trouble with saying no because you’re a people-pleaser. If this stings a little or you’re nodding your head right now - it’s okay. We all have people-pleasing tendencies. The first step, as with anything, is to be aware.
The first thing that I wanna talk about with this topic is really asking yourself one question that will help guide your decisions - “What do I want?” This is a question that seems so basic and simple yet most people can’t answer this question right now.
When you’re clear on what you want, it’s easy to make decisions because all decisions will be informed based on what you truly want. In Episode 12, I talk about getting clear on your big vision. If you haven’t listened to that or it’s been a while - make sure you spend some time to do that.
If you’ve never really asked yourself this, that’s great! You have an opportunity to get to know yourself better right now - and that’s a wonderful thing. Because, you’re stuck with you, forever!!! so might as well get to know who you are and what you want.
So, who are you? Besides your relationship with others. Who are you as an individual? Who are you as a person? Who do you want to be in this lifetime? What do you want to do? What do you want to feel? This can be as easy as closing your eyes for 3-5 minutes and just seeing what comes up or you can journal this and write this down. You can pause here if you like if you wanna do this right now.
Once you’ve written that down, don’t worry. You can always change or alter this later. Life happens, things come up. Trust me, my vision has changed so many times and it’s okay. The beauty is you get to decide what you want. And, it may not happen in 5,10, 20, or 50 years but if that’s what you really want, you can make it happen. It just might take some time.
One thing I wanna say is that a lot of us get attached on how it’s going to happen and I’m gonna tell you right now, sometimes you’re not in control of that. It’s important to focus on the what and why. Why do you want that? Why is that important to you? So, add that into your writing or in your visualization. The why is what drives us to make the what happen. And just EFF the how for now. You don’t have to think about all the steps it’s going to take.
For now, know who you are and what you want. Because, once you know this, you can make decisions. If something comes up and you have to make a choice, you can ask yourself, “Does this get me closer to what I want?” If it’s a yes, then do it. If it’s a no, then it’s a no. It’s as easy as that. Now, the follow up to this is usually - “Oh no, what will they say?” or “I don’t wanna make them feel bad.” This is where you have to face your fear of judgment.
The thing is, someone will always feel bad. It could be that person who is disappointed that you said no or you who feels resentment after you said YES but didn’t really want to. And, here’s where you need to put yourself first. Because guess what? Who’s going to put you first besides you? I used to think it was selfish to put myself first. That’s what I was taught culturally through family and I think as a woman through society. But, that’s actually the wrong way of thinking.
When you don’t put yourself first, what happens? You get burnt out, you’re exhausted, you’re stressed out, you can’t do the things you want to do. Then, you take it out on the people you love and then everyone’s unhappy. You feel unfulfilled, you feel stuck, you feel resentment and you can’t create and do awesome things in that space.
When you put yourself first, you’re doing it for the people around you. When you’re the best version of yourself, you’re happy, you’re creative, you’re fun and fulfilled. People want to be around you because you’re coming from a place of peace and happiness.
When you say NO, it’s because you’re putting yourself first, and that’s a good thing. I get it, it’s going to take time to come to terms with this kind of thinking. Trust me, it took me decades. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I realized that I can’t put my family first. I have to put myself first so that I can be the best version of myself. I had to cut ties with a lot of friends and people in my life because I knew that they were no longer good for me to be around, that I couldn’t sacrifice what I wanted in my life for what they wanted or what they wanted for me.
So, wherever you are in your journey, get clear on what you really want. Because, this is not a dress rehearsal. For all we know, this is your one and only life and you won’t wanna spend that time saying YES to everything when you don’t really want to and resenting people because you didn’t say NO.
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